Vulnerability and positivity
Last week we had a mentor-mentee meeting
As usual, we need to write our GPA of the previous semester on the first page of the journal and then let our mentor sign it
There's this culture among the students in IMU: we don't ask about people's GPA (at least to my understanding)
hence I never know how well (or how bad) others have done in the exam, I guess it's a good thing
so there was 3 of us in the meeting
and then I found out that the other two peers were doing very well about 3.93
Meanwhile, I only got 3.88, which I'm not satisfied with but I didn't take it to the heart either
UNTIL the mentor went "har? only 3.88 ah?"
I believe she didn't say that on purpose, but honestly, I felt belittled.
And then for the whole week, I was devastated by the slight difference of 0.05.
I am really not a "number" kind of person. Like, you know, you must encounter people of this kind before
which one mark or two can drive them crazy. "You know even one mark matters a lot! 79 and 80 is a difference of B and A!"
I'm not buying this, really. But still, for the past whole week, my mind was occupied by this inner voice all the time " Ker Ro, you must study. Your GPA must be the same, or if not, higher than two of them at the next semester. Sem 2 was so easy but you missed the shot. You cannot mess this up again"
I believed 3.88 was good enough. Even the moment I saw the other two peers got 3.93 for their last semester, I was proud of them. I didn't feel bad at all (although I felt embarrassing a little) until the mentor made that remarks. All of the sudden, I developed this competitive feeling towards the two of them, which I really, really hate myself for that.
Rather than comparing our GPA, I wish my mentor could encourage us to achieve something different, to uplift each other and to foster positive relationships together.
This semester onwards, I started to observe competition in the cohort. I guess this is also part of the culture of IMU. The kiasu culture.
I deemed myself as a helpful person who always genuinely lend my hand to others, no matter during practical, workshops or the lectures.
However, some of them took me for granted. They made me ask questions because they don't want to look stupid for staying curious. They made me did something before them so that I made the mistake and they can avoid it. They asked me questions rather than directly going to the lecturer because they thought I knew it all.
I know some of them befriend me because I am a scholar. Because I am always helpful, and I always volunteer myself for something that people don't want to be part of
But I know it very well when the day comes that I am helpless, they will definitely not be there for me.
You know it when someone truly wants to connect with you or just takes you for granted.
People always said the university is a miniature of society. Now I see it.
But it is not always dark and gloomy. I have met many awesome human beings too
They are authentic, kind-hearted, caring, sensitive and uplifting.
They bring out the best version of me. And I cherish them above anything else.
You know what? Fuck GPA. Fuck competition. Fuck fake people. Fuck it all.
You see, humanity is not always beautiful and glorious. You can understand it just BY LOOKING INTO YOURSELF.
If I am not perfect, then hoping other people to be perfect is just ridiculous.
I can take my mentor's words to heart, and start self-pitying because it feels good to pity yourself when somebody hurts you.
But I want to resist the temptation of falling into this vicious cycle. I know self-pitying ain't not got me anywhere.
However, I can't just act cool and all, because my mentor's reaction did hurt me. The fact that I could not blame her makes me want to blame myself. I want to blame myself for not doing well enough.
Again, I want to resist it.
The only way I could carry on is to acknowledge my feeling (which I am doing now) and believe that it will go away one day.
I don't want myself to suddenly go into a "combat mode" of crazy studying because I know that's not sustainable. I don't want to do it because I was agitated by something that is hurtful.
I want nothing to change. I'm still going to study and have fun as usual. I believe I'm already doing my best, so I'll continue doing it.
I still thank my mentor for showing me where I am today. It opens my eye to see that I need to work harder on my weaker subject and cut down procrastination. It is a fact that I could do better in my previous semester. But I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I want to move forward.
As for the 'toxic' people in the university, I actually developed this practice last week.
When I started to feel hatred within myself and want to avoid them, I did the exact opposite: I went straight to them and greet them.
Instead of talking bad about them with my friends, I started to talk about their strengths and the good stuff they did.
This wired my brain to search for the good things they did, rather than the things that annoyed me.
Then I found that they are actually not that bad at all. In fact, I started to like them.
I started to accept the way they are, the way they seemed to take me for granted, the way they made me accountable for almost everything, the way they did not do things in my preferred way; and I actually found that I could learn something from them. They are hardworking, motivated and meticulous in their work.
I even saw some of them trying things outside of their comfort zone (like speaking out in PBL) although they were scared to death. I respect them for that and I am truly proud of them.
I am glad that I am able to end this post with a positive tone.
This week, I learned many good lessons, but I need to highlight two of the most important ones:
Vulnerability and positivity.
I guessed the reason I hate people taking me for granted is that makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel vulnerable.
But it is when I feel vulnerable that I learned about courage. Instead of retreating into my own bunker and hate everyone, I forced myself to accept the way people are, to see the good in the humanity.
If you have ever done this before, you know it took a hell lot of courage.
I know I might look stupid, I am going to be disappointed, I know I am going to get hurt.
But it is also being vulnerable that gets me connected to many great friends. The true friends who saw my vulnerability, who know I am silly, who know I am not perfect but still love me for that.
Vulnerability makes me understand humanity a little bit more: the dark side and the beautiful side of it.
When I felt bad for the remarks my mentor has made, I could not think positively.
Like the piece of standard advice you would give to anybody with similar situation, I told myself " don't be discouraged, take it as a motivation, to do better in this semester blah blah blah"
It may work for somebody else, but definitely not for me.
But I guess being positive in this situation means asking myself "what if"
"What if my GPA dropped this semester" - well maybe the mentor will do the same remark again, but since you have already encountered once it shouldn't come as a surprise to you
"What if the other two peers look down on me" - oh just look down lah I don't really care
"What if people talk bad behind me, said something like oh Joyce is not that good in her studies after all" - better what?! then people will not keep on asking you questions because you are no longer reliable hahaha
It is by asking these "what if" that I revealed the true reason behind all of my insecurities.
and also by asking these questions I actually realised that I have nothing to lose.
As long as I don't fail, I secure my scholarship and graduated, who the hell will care how the mentor sees you, how the people talk about you? (actually, I don't think they care much about me also everyone is busy with their own life)
Yeah so that's it, vulnerability and positivity.
Don't be crippled by anything that tries to bring you down because girl (and boy) , you damn strong yo!
As usual, we need to write our GPA of the previous semester on the first page of the journal and then let our mentor sign it
There's this culture among the students in IMU: we don't ask about people's GPA (at least to my understanding)
hence I never know how well (or how bad) others have done in the exam, I guess it's a good thing
so there was 3 of us in the meeting
and then I found out that the other two peers were doing very well about 3.93
Meanwhile, I only got 3.88, which I'm not satisfied with but I didn't take it to the heart either
UNTIL the mentor went "har? only 3.88 ah?"
I believe she didn't say that on purpose, but honestly, I felt belittled.
And then for the whole week, I was devastated by the slight difference of 0.05.
I am really not a "number" kind of person. Like, you know, you must encounter people of this kind before
which one mark or two can drive them crazy. "You know even one mark matters a lot! 79 and 80 is a difference of B and A!"
I'm not buying this, really. But still, for the past whole week, my mind was occupied by this inner voice all the time " Ker Ro, you must study. Your GPA must be the same, or if not, higher than two of them at the next semester. Sem 2 was so easy but you missed the shot. You cannot mess this up again"
I believed 3.88 was good enough. Even the moment I saw the other two peers got 3.93 for their last semester, I was proud of them. I didn't feel bad at all (although I felt embarrassing a little) until the mentor made that remarks. All of the sudden, I developed this competitive feeling towards the two of them, which I really, really hate myself for that.
Rather than comparing our GPA, I wish my mentor could encourage us to achieve something different, to uplift each other and to foster positive relationships together.
This semester onwards, I started to observe competition in the cohort. I guess this is also part of the culture of IMU. The kiasu culture.
I deemed myself as a helpful person who always genuinely lend my hand to others, no matter during practical, workshops or the lectures.
However, some of them took me for granted. They made me ask questions because they don't want to look stupid for staying curious. They made me did something before them so that I made the mistake and they can avoid it. They asked me questions rather than directly going to the lecturer because they thought I knew it all.
I know some of them befriend me because I am a scholar. Because I am always helpful, and I always volunteer myself for something that people don't want to be part of
But I know it very well when the day comes that I am helpless, they will definitely not be there for me.
You know it when someone truly wants to connect with you or just takes you for granted.
People always said the university is a miniature of society. Now I see it.
But it is not always dark and gloomy. I have met many awesome human beings too
They are authentic, kind-hearted, caring, sensitive and uplifting.
They bring out the best version of me. And I cherish them above anything else.
You know what? Fuck GPA. Fuck competition. Fuck fake people. Fuck it all.
You see, humanity is not always beautiful and glorious. You can understand it just BY LOOKING INTO YOURSELF.
If I am not perfect, then hoping other people to be perfect is just ridiculous.
I can take my mentor's words to heart, and start self-pitying because it feels good to pity yourself when somebody hurts you.
But I want to resist the temptation of falling into this vicious cycle. I know self-pitying ain't not got me anywhere.
However, I can't just act cool and all, because my mentor's reaction did hurt me. The fact that I could not blame her makes me want to blame myself. I want to blame myself for not doing well enough.
Again, I want to resist it.
The only way I could carry on is to acknowledge my feeling (which I am doing now) and believe that it will go away one day.
I don't want myself to suddenly go into a "combat mode" of crazy studying because I know that's not sustainable. I don't want to do it because I was agitated by something that is hurtful.
I want nothing to change. I'm still going to study and have fun as usual. I believe I'm already doing my best, so I'll continue doing it.
I still thank my mentor for showing me where I am today. It opens my eye to see that I need to work harder on my weaker subject and cut down procrastination. It is a fact that I could do better in my previous semester. But I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I want to move forward.
As for the 'toxic' people in the university, I actually developed this practice last week.
When I started to feel hatred within myself and want to avoid them, I did the exact opposite: I went straight to them and greet them.
Instead of talking bad about them with my friends, I started to talk about their strengths and the good stuff they did.
This wired my brain to search for the good things they did, rather than the things that annoyed me.
Then I found that they are actually not that bad at all. In fact, I started to like them.
I started to accept the way they are, the way they seemed to take me for granted, the way they made me accountable for almost everything, the way they did not do things in my preferred way; and I actually found that I could learn something from them. They are hardworking, motivated and meticulous in their work.
I even saw some of them trying things outside of their comfort zone (like speaking out in PBL) although they were scared to death. I respect them for that and I am truly proud of them.
I am glad that I am able to end this post with a positive tone.
This week, I learned many good lessons, but I need to highlight two of the most important ones:
Vulnerability and positivity.
I guessed the reason I hate people taking me for granted is that makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel vulnerable.
But it is when I feel vulnerable that I learned about courage. Instead of retreating into my own bunker and hate everyone, I forced myself to accept the way people are, to see the good in the humanity.
If you have ever done this before, you know it took a hell lot of courage.
I know I might look stupid, I am going to be disappointed, I know I am going to get hurt.
But it is also being vulnerable that gets me connected to many great friends. The true friends who saw my vulnerability, who know I am silly, who know I am not perfect but still love me for that.
Vulnerability makes me understand humanity a little bit more: the dark side and the beautiful side of it.
When I felt bad for the remarks my mentor has made, I could not think positively.
Like the piece of standard advice you would give to anybody with similar situation, I told myself " don't be discouraged, take it as a motivation, to do better in this semester blah blah blah"
It may work for somebody else, but definitely not for me.
But I guess being positive in this situation means asking myself "what if"
"What if my GPA dropped this semester" - well maybe the mentor will do the same remark again, but since you have already encountered once it shouldn't come as a surprise to you
"What if the other two peers look down on me" - oh just look down lah I don't really care
"What if people talk bad behind me, said something like oh Joyce is not that good in her studies after all" - better what?! then people will not keep on asking you questions because you are no longer reliable hahaha
It is by asking these "what if" that I revealed the true reason behind all of my insecurities.
and also by asking these questions I actually realised that I have nothing to lose.
As long as I don't fail, I secure my scholarship and graduated, who the hell will care how the mentor sees you, how the people talk about you? (actually, I don't think they care much about me also everyone is busy with their own life)
Yeah so that's it, vulnerability and positivity.
Don't be crippled by anything that tries to bring you down because girl (and boy) , you damn strong yo!
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