5 things I learned from the past 22 years
Yesterday was my 22nd birthday, I'm still mostly 90% the same old me (it was an arbitrary number)
Thanks for all the wishes, thanks to everyone who is still sticking around.
Actually, I was going to write "22 things I learned from the past 22 years" like you know, it sounds more convenient
But I just couldn't crammed out 22 lessons exactly, maybe 22 years wasn't that long for a person to learn a lot
It's always hard to get human to really learn something.
So here it goes, 5 things I learned from the past 22 years.
1. The world is not a binary place
We human love binary. Me vs them, white vs black, good vs evil, rich vs poor etc. Because it is easy for our primitive human brain to process that. We humans don't like complexities, so we reduce the reasons for incidents to the simplest. "He did this, so he must be evil". "They said that, so the rumor must be true". "He is so successful today because he comes from a rich family" Why think critically when we can just jump to a conclusion? It is so much easier if the world is binary.
As much as I hope that's the case, however, I've come to learn that the world is full of grey areas. Humans are complicated, and there's no way we can answer every single question we have with a simple and straightforward answer. Just like what we are taught in Statistic class: correlation does not prove causation. When A and B are related, it doesn't mean that A causes B or B causes A. It's just not that simple. We, humans, love to believe what our eyes see because that is effortless; we love to make assumptions and draw a conclusion from that because thinking requires a lot of mental power, we don't like to do that.
This is such a precious lesson for me. It keeps me from judging a person too early, it makes me see things that the majority doesn't see, and most importantly, it makes me see the world in its truest color. What's the truest color of the world you asked? Well, the world can be cruel at times, there are still many nasty shits happening out there and it really requires our collective effort to make it a better place; but the world can also be a lovely paradise if you know where to look at.
Neither do I want to glorify this world, nor do I want to loathe it. I just want to say: there are many blurry boundaries, there are many overlappings, there are many reasons for something happened. The world is not a simple yes or no question. It is a complicated world. Critical thinking and an empathic heart would help us to see the world with more clarity.
2. Love people and use things, the opposite never work
"Love people and use things, the opposite never work". I learn this quote from a Netflix's documentary "The Minimalist", and it sticks with me ever since.
I'm sure most of us have noticed that materialism has crept into every aspect of our lives and crippled the core of our human nature. Consciously or subconsciously, we treat people not according to who they are, but what they own. I'm not sure about you, but I'm definitely one of the victims (or contributors) to this unstoppable consumer culture. I always caught myself eyeing the next phone to buy, the next bag to get my hands on, the next "it" thing I want to spend my money on... I'm not an idiot, of course, I noticed how unhappy I still am after splurging all my money, but I'm worse than an idiot: I still continue buying things I don't need, even after I knew that ain't gonna make me happy. The consumer's culture today is an addictive culture.
I'm still working on this, but I'm glad that I started to be more mindful of my spending and most importantly, what I scrolling through on the Instagram. I realized Instagram has been a great source of dissatisfaction in my life. I realized I'm always being encouraged to buy the pair of shoes that hot Instagram influencer A is wearing, or owning that new iPhone the Instagram ads tell me to buy because apparently "I deserve it". Trust me, humans mind are weak. We thought we could defend our own decision making as if our thoughts entirely belong to us. The truth is, we couldn't; and the thoughts we have not exactly belong to us: it is influenced by our Facebook feeds, Instagram feed, Twitter feed, advertisements, your friends, your families, your crush etc. You may say" I buy that pair of shoes because they are pretty", but the real underlying reason is always" I buy that pair of shoes because I'm insecure because I need validation from others, I want envy, I need attention".
I hate the kind of person who always dismisses the importance of money and always loathe rich and powerful people as if they are above everyone else and they know the "truth" of life while others don't. I'm not trying to be that kind of person here. But I think once in awhile we could use some reminder. The past 22 years has taught me to be "real materialist", i.e. to love people and invest more in human relationships. A human can be difficult to love sometimes, so many of us turn to materialistic indulgence. However, just remember that when you are on your deathbed, it is always the people in your life that you remember, never the iPhone or bags or shoes that you bought.
3. Money is a great tool
Just like I mentioned in #1, the world is not a binary place. Contrary to popular beliefs, rich people doesn't mean they are filthy and greedy, I've met many poor people who are filled with greed and damaging. I also have met many rich people who are benevolent and respectable. Simply put, if you are an asshole, you are going to be an asshole no matter rich or poor (but being rich probably make you a bigger asshole).
I grew up in a middle-class family (I thought we were poor back then until I learned there are people who are worse than us), but I can still clearly remember how my parent always fought over money. It is not easy for my parent (whom both are not university graduates) to earn a decent money to raise both of us. I never get to learn piano or ballet because my parents couldn't afford that. I used to envy my classmates who got to hold a birthday party at their large mansion and always get to buy the toys they pointed their fingers at. I first learn about the importance of money during my childhood: money indicates your social status. And that's not entirely wrong.
Nevertheless, the past 22 years has taught me that money is more than that. Have you ever wondered why there is money? Like, why suddenly human decided one day that we use some metal coins and paper notes to construct many large, complex and intertwined systems like finance, trade, business, stock markets etc. One of the reasons is that because so far we don't have a better tool for us to exchange stuff, like the system barter back then: how could you decide one of your chicken is equivalent to my three fishes? I'm no finance student, but I think money is the best (though not perfect) system we have so far (well...bitcoin, anybody?)
Well, my point is, money is money because we all agree it is "money". RM100 is RM100 because we all agree it is. Money is only valid because everyone in the world agrees on it. So likewise, money indicates your social status because everyone in the world sees it as such. When the majority agrees on something, it will make something wrong, right.
The past 22 years has taught me to take a different perspective on money. Instead of seeing money as something to make you feel better about yourself, I see it as a powerful tool. A tool that can eradicate hardcore poverty, construct better healthcare system, enhance well-being, lobby politicians to roll out certain beneficial policies, fund R&D to develop better drugs and vaccines and many more.
Probably this perspective is irrelevant to me at the moment since I'm not a policymaker. Well, I also learn that money enables me to attend university, which this alone already lead to many social impacts: making friends with the similar educational background, learning professional knowledge, acquire mentorships from professionals, learning critical thinking. Just by attending university, it already put me on a higher tier than my parent in the social hierarchy. I will be a university graduate (which my parent isn't), I will be able to earn more than my parent did and I will be able to send my future daughter to piano and ballet lessons.
Money is not the root of evil. Human nature is. Money is just a tool used by the evil part of the human nature to cause damage. Luckily, the exact opposite can be done too, money can be used to help those who in need, and to better raising your next generation. You can't blame the hardcore poor for not attending the university when they don't even have money for the next meal. Many challenges in the world today requires money to tackle. But also remember #2, money can make you miserable, if you don't use it wisely. Make money your friend, not your foe.
4. There's no perfect lover
"Love" is the hardest subject I learn from the past 22 years. Coming from a divorced family and have had a heartbreaking first love, I never knew how to love properly. They said people grew up learning about love from their family members, no wonder I'm such a bad lover. (Look at my parent then you would know).
The problem about me was, I was always insecure, especially comes to loving a person. I was over-sensitive, always over-thinking and always scared to put myself out there. Because I have seen how damaging and toxic a "bad lover" can do to a person, like how my dad did to my mom, so I was always avoiding people who claimed they "love" me, not only because I scared of a bad lover who may hurt me, also I didn't really believe there's someone who will truly love me as I am.
It was my current boyfriend who taught me how to love, and I could never thank him enough. Remember I said a human can be difficult to love sometimes? Well I know I can be very difficult to love sometime. Despite all that, he sticks around with great patience and love. It took me a few years to truly believe he loves me. Yes, that's a thing. I "learned" to believe someone can actually love me. It was not easy and natural for me to do. But I'm glad I finally made my first step.
Just like there's no perfect human being, there's no perfect lover. I used to beat myself up real hard after having an argument with my boyfriend. I would blame myself "why did I do that?!" " why am I being such a terrible girlfriend?" But of course those thoughts didn't help, not long later, I got into a fight with him again. It was a challenging period for both of us, but I'm glad we finally got it through.
I know we weren't alone. I know many couples got caught in that vicious cycle too. They fight, they blame themselves, and they fight again. And if that persists, it's just a matter of time before they break up.
The thing is, we love others to change, but we never wanted to do that ourselves. We want to "fix" other, but we always failed to fix ourselves. We all know there's no perfect human being, but we often forget that our lovers are also a human being, they are allowed to be imperfect, just like we are.
When two persons got together long enough, the relationship becomes stale, they forget why they fall in love in the first place, they lose tolerance for one another. Maybe this was also something I was scared of. I was scared of being exposed to be "imperfect", and the guy would lose interest in me.
The true solution is not fixing others, and sometimes, not even fixing ourselves. The past 22 years has taught me that there's no perfect lover in the world, as much as we like to believe that. But don't you think wanting a perfect lover is a selfish demand? Admit it, maybe what you really want is someone who attends to all your needs, who always obey you and always remind you of how important you are. And that's not something the lover is for.
5. Live for yourself
Finally, the last lesson: live for yourself. It is a simple mantra, but a very difficult thing to do. First, you need to define "yourself", then only you can live for it. Does "yourself" consist of your studies? Your lover? Money? Your children? Most of us stuck at this question.
I'm still on the quest of defining myself, and I guess it will last for as long as I live. The past 22 years also taught me to pick up many responsibilities, so much so that sometimes I forget how to let go.
But I'm proud to say that first time in many years, I finally don't see my exam results as important as I used to. I still take my studies seriously, but I no longer use GPA as the parameter to measure my success. Instead, I will measure it by how I apply the knowledge I learn (both in class and extra-curricular) to make positive impacts (which is something I'm still inadequate at). It is not something measurable really, but according to my current definition of "success", it is the positive impact you caused. I think it's good to have something that can't be measured in life so you won't be so caught up in the numbers, that you forget that many things precious in life can't be quantified.
I'm still learning to let go of many things that don't really belong to me so that I could live for myself. The past 22 years has also taught me that sometimes less is more. Not only less materialistic goods in life but also fewer opinions from others, fewer expectations on yourself and others, fewer grudges and hatreds. Many burdens we carried in life are invisible, and it takes a thorough dissection of yourself to really see them. Life is a journey of picking up and letting go.
There's one night in the bed that I asked myself: when was the last time I was truly happy? It is a scary question, not because how long it was to the last time we were truly happy, it is because most of us can't even remember when was it. Since that night, I decided to be happy, for the present moment, and for the rest of my life. Noticed I use "decided". Because I learn that being happy is not a passive state that suddenly just happen to us, it is a decision that you can actively make.
There's a TED video that I really enjoy, it argues that we shouldn't pursue a "happy" life, but a "meaningful" life. While I certainly agree with the arguments made in the presentation, I actually think that a happy life is a meaningful life, and a meaningful life is a happy life.
But I think the point the TED video was trying to make is that: you may think you want to live a happy life, so you made many "happy" decisions, like buying new clothes, bags, shoes, or lashed out at your parents. Therefore, being happy is not as easy as it seems. Being truly happy is not making decisions that may seem "happy" to us at the moment, it is about making meaningful decisions that serve happiness in the long run. Many of us are just confused over what's really making us happy. I think by asking" how can I live for myself", we can discover the true happiness in life.
I know all of them are cliche, and it is a long read. While they are valuable lessons to me, I would like to be challenged and maybe, change my thoughts on them in the next 5-10 years. I don't think what I believe will always be true so I would love to be proved wrong.
I'm so grateful for everyone in my life who shaped me into who I am today. I always believe we are not really "ourselves", we are the collective efforts of the people around us. We all carry a little piece of everyone in our life in us. I'm fortunate enough to have lived such an awesome 22 years and I can't wait for the next decades and many more to come.
Thanks for all the wishes, thanks to everyone who is still sticking around.
Actually, I was going to write "22 things I learned from the past 22 years" like you know, it sounds more convenient
But I just couldn't crammed out 22 lessons exactly, maybe 22 years wasn't that long for a person to learn a lot
It's always hard to get human to really learn something.
So here it goes, 5 things I learned from the past 22 years.
1. The world is not a binary place
We human love binary. Me vs them, white vs black, good vs evil, rich vs poor etc. Because it is easy for our primitive human brain to process that. We humans don't like complexities, so we reduce the reasons for incidents to the simplest. "He did this, so he must be evil". "They said that, so the rumor must be true". "He is so successful today because he comes from a rich family" Why think critically when we can just jump to a conclusion? It is so much easier if the world is binary.
As much as I hope that's the case, however, I've come to learn that the world is full of grey areas. Humans are complicated, and there's no way we can answer every single question we have with a simple and straightforward answer. Just like what we are taught in Statistic class: correlation does not prove causation. When A and B are related, it doesn't mean that A causes B or B causes A. It's just not that simple. We, humans, love to believe what our eyes see because that is effortless; we love to make assumptions and draw a conclusion from that because thinking requires a lot of mental power, we don't like to do that.
This is such a precious lesson for me. It keeps me from judging a person too early, it makes me see things that the majority doesn't see, and most importantly, it makes me see the world in its truest color. What's the truest color of the world you asked? Well, the world can be cruel at times, there are still many nasty shits happening out there and it really requires our collective effort to make it a better place; but the world can also be a lovely paradise if you know where to look at.
Neither do I want to glorify this world, nor do I want to loathe it. I just want to say: there are many blurry boundaries, there are many overlappings, there are many reasons for something happened. The world is not a simple yes or no question. It is a complicated world. Critical thinking and an empathic heart would help us to see the world with more clarity.
2. Love people and use things, the opposite never work
"Love people and use things, the opposite never work". I learn this quote from a Netflix's documentary "The Minimalist", and it sticks with me ever since.
I'm sure most of us have noticed that materialism has crept into every aspect of our lives and crippled the core of our human nature. Consciously or subconsciously, we treat people not according to who they are, but what they own. I'm not sure about you, but I'm definitely one of the victims (or contributors) to this unstoppable consumer culture. I always caught myself eyeing the next phone to buy, the next bag to get my hands on, the next "it" thing I want to spend my money on... I'm not an idiot, of course, I noticed how unhappy I still am after splurging all my money, but I'm worse than an idiot: I still continue buying things I don't need, even after I knew that ain't gonna make me happy. The consumer's culture today is an addictive culture.
I'm still working on this, but I'm glad that I started to be more mindful of my spending and most importantly, what I scrolling through on the Instagram. I realized Instagram has been a great source of dissatisfaction in my life. I realized I'm always being encouraged to buy the pair of shoes that hot Instagram influencer A is wearing, or owning that new iPhone the Instagram ads tell me to buy because apparently "I deserve it". Trust me, humans mind are weak. We thought we could defend our own decision making as if our thoughts entirely belong to us. The truth is, we couldn't; and the thoughts we have not exactly belong to us: it is influenced by our Facebook feeds, Instagram feed, Twitter feed, advertisements, your friends, your families, your crush etc. You may say" I buy that pair of shoes because they are pretty", but the real underlying reason is always" I buy that pair of shoes because I'm insecure because I need validation from others, I want envy, I need attention".
I hate the kind of person who always dismisses the importance of money and always loathe rich and powerful people as if they are above everyone else and they know the "truth" of life while others don't. I'm not trying to be that kind of person here. But I think once in awhile we could use some reminder. The past 22 years has taught me to be "real materialist", i.e. to love people and invest more in human relationships. A human can be difficult to love sometimes, so many of us turn to materialistic indulgence. However, just remember that when you are on your deathbed, it is always the people in your life that you remember, never the iPhone or bags or shoes that you bought.
3. Money is a great tool
Just like I mentioned in #1, the world is not a binary place. Contrary to popular beliefs, rich people doesn't mean they are filthy and greedy, I've met many poor people who are filled with greed and damaging. I also have met many rich people who are benevolent and respectable. Simply put, if you are an asshole, you are going to be an asshole no matter rich or poor (but being rich probably make you a bigger asshole).
I grew up in a middle-class family (I thought we were poor back then until I learned there are people who are worse than us), but I can still clearly remember how my parent always fought over money. It is not easy for my parent (whom both are not university graduates) to earn a decent money to raise both of us. I never get to learn piano or ballet because my parents couldn't afford that. I used to envy my classmates who got to hold a birthday party at their large mansion and always get to buy the toys they pointed their fingers at. I first learn about the importance of money during my childhood: money indicates your social status. And that's not entirely wrong.
Nevertheless, the past 22 years has taught me that money is more than that. Have you ever wondered why there is money? Like, why suddenly human decided one day that we use some metal coins and paper notes to construct many large, complex and intertwined systems like finance, trade, business, stock markets etc. One of the reasons is that because so far we don't have a better tool for us to exchange stuff, like the system barter back then: how could you decide one of your chicken is equivalent to my three fishes? I'm no finance student, but I think money is the best (though not perfect) system we have so far (well...bitcoin, anybody?)
Well, my point is, money is money because we all agree it is "money". RM100 is RM100 because we all agree it is. Money is only valid because everyone in the world agrees on it. So likewise, money indicates your social status because everyone in the world sees it as such. When the majority agrees on something, it will make something wrong, right.
The past 22 years has taught me to take a different perspective on money. Instead of seeing money as something to make you feel better about yourself, I see it as a powerful tool. A tool that can eradicate hardcore poverty, construct better healthcare system, enhance well-being, lobby politicians to roll out certain beneficial policies, fund R&D to develop better drugs and vaccines and many more.
Probably this perspective is irrelevant to me at the moment since I'm not a policymaker. Well, I also learn that money enables me to attend university, which this alone already lead to many social impacts: making friends with the similar educational background, learning professional knowledge, acquire mentorships from professionals, learning critical thinking. Just by attending university, it already put me on a higher tier than my parent in the social hierarchy. I will be a university graduate (which my parent isn't), I will be able to earn more than my parent did and I will be able to send my future daughter to piano and ballet lessons.
Money is not the root of evil. Human nature is. Money is just a tool used by the evil part of the human nature to cause damage. Luckily, the exact opposite can be done too, money can be used to help those who in need, and to better raising your next generation. You can't blame the hardcore poor for not attending the university when they don't even have money for the next meal. Many challenges in the world today requires money to tackle. But also remember #2, money can make you miserable, if you don't use it wisely. Make money your friend, not your foe.
4. There's no perfect lover
"Love" is the hardest subject I learn from the past 22 years. Coming from a divorced family and have had a heartbreaking first love, I never knew how to love properly. They said people grew up learning about love from their family members, no wonder I'm such a bad lover. (Look at my parent then you would know).
The problem about me was, I was always insecure, especially comes to loving a person. I was over-sensitive, always over-thinking and always scared to put myself out there. Because I have seen how damaging and toxic a "bad lover" can do to a person, like how my dad did to my mom, so I was always avoiding people who claimed they "love" me, not only because I scared of a bad lover who may hurt me, also I didn't really believe there's someone who will truly love me as I am.
It was my current boyfriend who taught me how to love, and I could never thank him enough. Remember I said a human can be difficult to love sometimes? Well I know I can be very difficult to love sometime. Despite all that, he sticks around with great patience and love. It took me a few years to truly believe he loves me. Yes, that's a thing. I "learned" to believe someone can actually love me. It was not easy and natural for me to do. But I'm glad I finally made my first step.
Just like there's no perfect human being, there's no perfect lover. I used to beat myself up real hard after having an argument with my boyfriend. I would blame myself "why did I do that?!" " why am I being such a terrible girlfriend?" But of course those thoughts didn't help, not long later, I got into a fight with him again. It was a challenging period for both of us, but I'm glad we finally got it through.
I know we weren't alone. I know many couples got caught in that vicious cycle too. They fight, they blame themselves, and they fight again. And if that persists, it's just a matter of time before they break up.
The thing is, we love others to change, but we never wanted to do that ourselves. We want to "fix" other, but we always failed to fix ourselves. We all know there's no perfect human being, but we often forget that our lovers are also a human being, they are allowed to be imperfect, just like we are.
When two persons got together long enough, the relationship becomes stale, they forget why they fall in love in the first place, they lose tolerance for one another. Maybe this was also something I was scared of. I was scared of being exposed to be "imperfect", and the guy would lose interest in me.
The true solution is not fixing others, and sometimes, not even fixing ourselves. The past 22 years has taught me that there's no perfect lover in the world, as much as we like to believe that. But don't you think wanting a perfect lover is a selfish demand? Admit it, maybe what you really want is someone who attends to all your needs, who always obey you and always remind you of how important you are. And that's not something the lover is for.
5. Live for yourself
Finally, the last lesson: live for yourself. It is a simple mantra, but a very difficult thing to do. First, you need to define "yourself", then only you can live for it. Does "yourself" consist of your studies? Your lover? Money? Your children? Most of us stuck at this question.
I'm still on the quest of defining myself, and I guess it will last for as long as I live. The past 22 years also taught me to pick up many responsibilities, so much so that sometimes I forget how to let go.
But I'm proud to say that first time in many years, I finally don't see my exam results as important as I used to. I still take my studies seriously, but I no longer use GPA as the parameter to measure my success. Instead, I will measure it by how I apply the knowledge I learn (both in class and extra-curricular) to make positive impacts (which is something I'm still inadequate at). It is not something measurable really, but according to my current definition of "success", it is the positive impact you caused. I think it's good to have something that can't be measured in life so you won't be so caught up in the numbers, that you forget that many things precious in life can't be quantified.
I'm still learning to let go of many things that don't really belong to me so that I could live for myself. The past 22 years has also taught me that sometimes less is more. Not only less materialistic goods in life but also fewer opinions from others, fewer expectations on yourself and others, fewer grudges and hatreds. Many burdens we carried in life are invisible, and it takes a thorough dissection of yourself to really see them. Life is a journey of picking up and letting go.
There's one night in the bed that I asked myself: when was the last time I was truly happy? It is a scary question, not because how long it was to the last time we were truly happy, it is because most of us can't even remember when was it. Since that night, I decided to be happy, for the present moment, and for the rest of my life. Noticed I use "decided". Because I learn that being happy is not a passive state that suddenly just happen to us, it is a decision that you can actively make.
There's a TED video that I really enjoy, it argues that we shouldn't pursue a "happy" life, but a "meaningful" life. While I certainly agree with the arguments made in the presentation, I actually think that a happy life is a meaningful life, and a meaningful life is a happy life.
But I think the point the TED video was trying to make is that: you may think you want to live a happy life, so you made many "happy" decisions, like buying new clothes, bags, shoes, or lashed out at your parents. Therefore, being happy is not as easy as it seems. Being truly happy is not making decisions that may seem "happy" to us at the moment, it is about making meaningful decisions that serve happiness in the long run. Many of us are just confused over what's really making us happy. I think by asking" how can I live for myself", we can discover the true happiness in life.
I know all of them are cliche, and it is a long read. While they are valuable lessons to me, I would like to be challenged and maybe, change my thoughts on them in the next 5-10 years. I don't think what I believe will always be true so I would love to be proved wrong.
I'm so grateful for everyone in my life who shaped me into who I am today. I always believe we are not really "ourselves", we are the collective efforts of the people around us. We all carry a little piece of everyone in our life in us. I'm fortunate enough to have lived such an awesome 22 years and I can't wait for the next decades and many more to come.
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